Why are my tears rolling out so frequently recently? I'm crying till my eyes bawled out. I cried till I fell asleep. I cried till I have a pair of swollen eyes. I was looking for my sister's photo, and I got to see my grandma photo. I couldnt take it anymore, and I ran to the bed, hoping both my sisters didnt notice me. The parting was so sudden, that till now I still couldnt get myself to face the fact. I still thought that she was still alive. A few days back, I went to Jurong with Charis,passing by Admiralty. Charis told me that there was a night market going on, and I actually wanted to say that my grandma is stayin near there. Just as I was gonna say that out from my mouth, I just got myself reminded that she's no longer here. Yesterday was the 2nd month that she was gone, and I dont know why I'm still that sensitive. I first thought that crying for a few weeks will do, but it doesnt look so.

Suddenly, I hate birthdays. The thought of having birthday next year alone - without my grandma. After 17years, I got no one to hold my hands to cut the cake together. I dont like birthdays anymore. I attended my cousin's 21st bday last evening. And I saw her cutting cake with her grandma, which is my grandma too [father's side]. I thought of my grandma again. Memories flashed back to nursery, when my grandma had a great time waking me up to get ready for school, piggy back me to toilet just to pee and bringing me to the swing after school. And even till this year, which I couldnt remember when, we got a chalet, and we even bath together and go to the toilet tgt.

Probably this was the reason, why I dont want to get involve in any relationships, including building good relationships with friends, leaving a distance between. cos I know, when my safe guards are down, 100% will be invested on someone, like eg. relatives of friends. And when they bidded on their departure, that's when I will be weeping like a spoiled tapped. I'm easily got agitated, and I am super emotional to everything. I'm not god, I'm not immuned to everything.

To many, I looked very cold, but confidence. But, they dont know that I was just feigning confidence. When it comes to doing fcuking projects like self-esteem, I started to wonder if psychology is really scientifically logic or so. Looking confidence doesnt mean anything, it does differs from the mindset inside one.