Alright,

Back to work.
Work had been good.
But sometimes, I felt a little helpless.

I felt like I have no close friends in the department, except one or two who are always scheduled different shift. Joy no longer in the department, and that makes me even lonelier. I wouldnt agree more that the pinoy population is getting higher. To be honest, I dont mind at all because they are pretty nice. Just the fact that I couldnt blend into them. Same goes to other races, I couldnt really blend into their languages either.

And thus, I just have to find something else to do when I'm free in the department. But it seems that it was wrongly implied like I'm a hardworking staff, trying to be recognized and then aimed for promotion. I overheard about it when I walked past the pantry.

I felt pretty upset about it. I admit that I'm very strict with certain patient care and I could be pretty unfriendly when it comes to compromising certain procedures. But all these that I did, was not for promotion.

I swear I'm not doing these for promotions, and I dont care. It's pretty ridiculous to say a nurse doing all these just to get promotions (when its totally the responsibility of a nurse). I've been looking for stuff to do, because I'm someone who gets really bored and someone who couldnt sit still. Moreover, the ratio of chinese staff to other races = 4: 20 ?

Why have these became so political?
Promotions when I'm not even a year old?
I'm out.

I dont need these.
I just want peace, seriously.

I'm trying to control myself to tolerate all these nonsense.
I know I'm just being childish to slash everything on blog like a kid.
But I am going to save money now asap, get a condo, and give myself a new life since I cant apply for hdb. No matter how much my debts gonna be, I dont care. Just one more year to my freedom. And I do hope that I'm no different from an orphan. So dad, continue siding ur eldest. And mom, continue siding the youngest. Yes, where's my grandmother? She's dead. So where can I cry and hug now? Air. So air is like my parents, and tears is my daily essential work. I'm so fucking stress, extremely tired, and sick of the society. I just need a complete carefree day. Just one day, so stop giving me rubbish.

PT asked me. What are you going to do with your first pay? He asked me, bike? TV? Iphone? I told him I wanted a holiday. He smiled, let's go Ireland. I'll bring you back to see my family. I laughed but still, that couple of minute let me stayed away from stress.

I just need a friend who can talk to. I dont need a boyfriend, because it aint gonna be realistic for me. A friend who understand all bloody shit, is good enough.

I'm so gonna do this. I need to find a way to throw my pride away. So I can be firm with whatever shit I'm gonna do. Hmmmmm. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, 7weeks of attachments completed, left with another 5more weeks. OMG, I cant wait for everything to finish. Alright, 7 weeks of attachments, and I have shed off 4kg plus. Amazing, isnt it? AHAHAHA. Those who find themselves fat and unable to shed off your fats like me, you can come join nursing. I bet you will be fasting everyday for 10hours since you wont be able to go for breaktime which allow you to grab something heavy. :D Okay, After next week, I'll be happier. Because it goes like 4, 3, 2, 1. BYE. :D


Sayoooonara~ bbyeong~

I dont think I can be a nurse. I think I'll go nuts soon.
It's been 3 years. But there's never a time that I can handle death in the ward.
My tear ducts just burst unknowingly. I hate it.

Today was just crisis and I just cant take it anymore.
I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy.

Hypoglycaemia 0.8mmol/L. Freaking low like madness. I almost fainted upon seeing the reading. His eyes were big, so big and not blinking. Even without pentorch, I can already see that his pupil was super dilated. I called him, tapped him, he wasnt even responding though his eyes were wide opened. My legs - wobbly...

With that kind of anxiety, running to the doctors who were all pooled together for doctors round. He, as a professor, shall not gain my respect anymore. I was looking for the doctor in charge (doctor X), and I waited for the prof to stop talking then I tapped Doctor X.

I'm already sweating out, tell him about his patient condition that is 0.8mmol/L (Pt can die, btw). Can you pls come out for a while? Patient is unresponsive.

This Doctor X is a very nice doctor, maybe he's still considered new. (Maybe I already fallen in love with him, cos he's darn handsome.) LOL. I'm just kidding. He's not my type, but he's handsome. On another hand, he's 10 years older than me.

Before he opened his eyes wide, the prof scolded me in front of them.
" Do you know what's doctor's round? Do not disturb. Get another doctor"

I was about to cry cos I DONT SEE ANY DOCTORS since ALL of you are all here. *Idiots*
" No, but patient BGM is 0.8mmol/L! "

Prof: "I said do not disturb. go find yourself another doctor"

I was damn pissed off. I'm about to scold him as a useless doctor and so called prof with just a status. I will scold him, soon. I dont care whether I'm a student or staff. Patient comes first, morons. And, there's no such things as not able to disturb doctors round. Doctors round is about knowing patient better, isnt it? And throughout these years, nurses have to report to doctors regarding patients condition. Why are you telling me to search for other doctors bec I'm a student? Yeah, trying to discriminate me? You , wait and see.

Just nice, there's this doctor who walked past. He wasnt even from my ward you know! But at least he knows what is urgent! I rolled my eyes at prof & ran towards this doctor. GOD, you didnt know how thankful I was when I saw the presence of this doctor.

I was like. " I'mm I'mm, sorry Doctor! Patient bgm is 0.8 NOW, and is unresponsive. Can you please help me? He's unresponsive!"

And obviously, the doctor saw that bloody pool of doctors over there. But he didnt care but HELPED ME IMMEDIATELY. (He's quite high post actually) Then finally, when he walked over, the doctor-in-charge quickly ran over. Omg, Doctor X. I did pondered why you need to care about that prof when your pt is dying. God.

I'm always angry with my doctors. They also think they are high up above the sky while I'm worst that the core of the earth. Why?

I do hate my job. But I know the importance about a life at stake. If you know you can save them, why not? Why do you have to wait till patient plunged all the way to the minimum for maximum resus? why why why? Doctors and nurses are different. Doctors chose to become doctors for saving people. Nurses are about passion or no choice because their academy might suck to hell. Doctors, you can choose! But why are you forgetting the basic reason after climbing so high up of a position? You dont deserve my respect, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, this is the last sorry that I'm gonna say.

Dear daddy,

I dont know what's going on . Have you ever wondered why I didnt like to talk much at home? Yeah, you are the reason. I do not see any needs for you to scream when you open your mouth, really. I'm not saying you not open your mouth, but I just hope that you could use a nicer tone at home, to us. You dont come everyday, do you? So I dont see a need for you to scream when seeing us.

Since young, though you dont extremely dote us, it is pretty obvious that you a bit more concern over the eldest while my mum will dote on the youngest one. No, dont be mistaken. I'm not complaining about the equality at home. Neither am I jealous, bec I'm used to it for the past 19 years. But I hate it when in front of our relatives, you treated us like a good daddy who says YES to our everything. I hate how fake and hideous fact this is.

I dont know how much you earn per month, since you claimed that you only earn $1500 per month while the number of Rolex watches and cars you have do made me doubt it. Oh, whatever. It's not as if I'm aiming for your money. If you do not know, I dont care about it. I know you are extremely stingy over money matters, and also getting over angry small little amount of $100 when youngest daughter wants to learn drawing. I'm sick of this nonsense that made no single sense over why a dad can stop a child for doing what they like. I want to learn many things, and I know I have to get the money myself, somehow. And I hate listening to your yellings on phone or face to face when I want to ask you for money. So I went on doing my part time job at age of 14. I was slogging for salary as low as $4/hour in a restaurant as a waitress. Because I wanted to re-learn my ballet again, I even requested the manager dont give me offdays unnecessarily. The money I earned, ended up learning hiphop dance. It's so expensive that I decided to drop out after 2 months. Then I decided to start saving for my braces but in no time, school started - I quitted. Of course, the money slowly spent off since its really abit left.

After sec 4, I started working again - in bakery & in a restaurant. For the sake of my braces, I endured. Ah, finally I have the money for the first braces downpayment, so I went to the dental. The dental was pretty new at that time and I get the package bec it includes xrays, retainer, moulds, braces and whitening, which total up to $5000. I paid $2000 for the first payment, then since its instalment, I shall slowly work and pay. I didnt think of wanting you to pay bec you always say later and later for many years, so I might as well pay myself and not see your mood. When you found out that I went to get my braces done, you raged and claimed that I am very rich to do all these things without letting you know. Hey dad, do you not know on the first day of my work that I'm working for braces? And after know that I did my braces, you asked me to quit my job and focus on studies and you will pay the rest. To make things straight to the point, you were the one who asked me to quit and you yourself say will pay and note that you paid the remaining $3000. Yes, its not a small amount but you told all my relatives that I'm wasting your money and doing things without letting you know and said my braces cost you $5000.

On the first day of O level, I broke my specs. Yeah, O level. So all I need to hurry is to get a spec on spot. The new spec with frames on spot cost me $200. Do you rmb that you screamed at the top of your lungs at me? If I were to just change the lenses, it will cost $130/pair. Bec its urgent for the sake of O level, I really ANYHOW grab a famed-specs that cost $70 more.

This time round - crowning. My dentist charged me $950 instead of $1200 cos I'm still under treatment for braces though I'm now already wearing retainer phase. You already screamed at me at that time and you firmly said that its only $400 in the dental market. I did a research around, calling about 40 dental clinics and the cheapest I got was $835 after 7% GST. I called you today, and you yelled in phone like nobody business. Why is it that you do not understand that when my molar tooth cracked, I'm super in pain and only the DENTAL that I KNOW operates on Sundays? It's a difference of $100. Yes, $100 enables you to buy lots of stuff. But, can you please kindly spare a thought for me? I'm in pain, and I'm not like the rest who can take anagelsic drugs. If you are so not happy about the $100, I will raise that money. Dont scream on phone, I hate it and I bet you screamed in your company so all your workers looked at you and thus they will be scared of you, cos via this, you gained power. No dad, I dont need these.

Please let me remind you, the time I get money from you was for braces - $3k.
I only started getting pocket money from you since poly, while I struggled my pocket money in secondary school with what my mom, your wife, gaved.

If I have a chance, and when I have the money. Trust me, I will fly away to somewhere where I'm all alone with myself. I will live better, healthier and happier. I dont want to be heartless, but you made me wanna stay alone with myself. You destroyed my thoughts of having a boyfriend. To me, all guys seemed scary and useless now. To me, seems like all guys are stingy. To me, all guys are as bad tempered as you. I'm not that stupid to get myself into troubles with guys that have any characteristc traits of yours. I'm afraid, one day - I might commit suicide bec I see your shadow in him.

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